In Resist and Refuse (R/R) dynamics, the common narrative centers on one "alienating" parent and one "targeted" parent, with the child caught in between. But real-world custody disputes rarely align so neatly.
Families are complex, and R/R behavior can arise from a variety of overlapping causes, including behaviors and decisions made by both parents, siblings, extended relatives, stepparents, and the child's own lived experience.
Here, we'll cover some lesser-discussed but critically important scenarios that contribute to R/R dynamics in divorce, plus offer actionable insight on how to tackle family patterns that drive rejection and resistance behaviors.
When Both Parents Contribute to R/R Dynamics
It's common for both parents to point fingers when a child starts resisting contact. But it's often more accurate (and more productive) to examine the ways both parents may have contributed, knowingly or not, to the breakdown in the parent-child relationship.
Examples of shared contribution include:
- Inconsistent discipline styles: If one parent is overly permissive and the other is overly strict, children may gravitate toward the "easier" parent, leading them to view the other as harsh or unsafe, even if they are not abusive.
- Mutual badmouthing: When done by both parties, even subtle jabs or sarcastic comments about the other parent can erode a child's perception of both households. The child may eventually choose the "less conflicted" one, even if neither parent intended to cause the rejection.
- Failure to support the child's emotional process: If both parents rush to assert their own narrative ("your mom is lying" or "your dad is manipulating you"), they may be invalidating the child's emotions, pushing the child to disengage from the conflict entirely by rejecting one parent.
- Litigation as a weapon: When both parents treat custody court like a battlefield rather than a solution-focused tool, children may absorb the stress and begin to shut out the parent they perceive as most aggressive or least emotionally safe.
Shared blame doesn't mean equal blame, but it acknowledges that family dynamics are rarely one-sided. If you want the court to take your concerns seriously, be willing to reflect on your own behavior and demonstrate a willingness to adapt. Judges tend to look more favorably on parents who take ownership of the climate of co-parenting.
When One Sibling Rejects a Parent and Another Doesn't
One of the more perplexing scenarios in Resist and Refuse cases is when siblings have starkly different responses to the same parent. While one child may refuse contact entirely, another may continue a warm relationship. This phenomenon challenges the assumption that the child is merely being "brainwashed."
Important considerations:
- Birth order and personality: Older children often feel a sense of loyalty or obligation to a parent, while younger siblings may be more emotionally dependent. A child with an anxious temperament might be more susceptible to rejection if they feel unsafe or pressured in one household.
- Differing experiences of parenting: Parents often unconsciously treat children differently based on their age, gender, or perceived maturity. A teen daughter may be closer to her mother and feel emotionally dismissed by her father, while her younger brother may have a strong bond with Dad and no such issues.
- Role modeling and groupthink: In some cases, one sibling takes a leadership role and the others follow their lead. In other cases, a child may strive to differentiate themselves or preserve balance and choose not to reject a parent when they see their sibling doing so.
In custody court, these patterns can complicate evaluations. Parents must be careful not to use one child's continued relationship as "proof" of innocence. Evaluators will seek to understand and address each child's unique relationship context.
How Extended Family Members Can Influence R/R Dynamics
Extended family members, like grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins, can significantly shape a child's perceptions during high-conflict divorce. Their involvement can either calm the waters or add fuel to the fire.
Common influences include:
- Subtle loyalty testing: Comments like "We're so glad you're safe here" or "Your dad never treated your mom right" can position the child as needing to pick sides even if the parent never said these things themselves.
- Overindulgence or manipulation: A grandparent who overcompensates during visitation or constantly questions the child about the other household can contribute to mistrust and emotional confusion.
- Third-party escalation: Extended family members often act as mouthpieces for the parent they support, voicing grievances or relaying legal updates to the child, which breeds anxiety and resentment.
If you're experiencing R/R behavior from a child, establish clear expectations with your extended family. Courts look unfavorably on households where third parties interfere with co-parenting or subtly sabotage reunification efforts.
The Role of Stepparents in Escalating or Calming R/R Dynamics
Stepparents often get pulled into the orbit of custody conflict. Their influence can be stabilizing or destructive depending on their role and awareness.
Stepparent missteps that escalate R/R:
- Taking a disciplinary role too soon: When a stepparent imposes rules or punishment before bonding, children may feel unsafe or resentful, particularly if they already feel distant from the biological parent.
- Speaking negatively about the other parent: Even if meant as support for the spouse, undermining the child's relationship with their other parent damages trust and increases resistance.
- Trying to replace the other parent: Children need space to define the new family dynamic without being pressured to view a stepparent as a "real" mom or dad.
Stepparents who calm R/R dynamics typically exhibit the opposite behaviors. They remain neutral, supportive, and emotionally available, focusing on building trust through consistency and respect, rather than control.
Common Mistakes Parents Make When Trying to "Fix" R/R Situations
Desperation can lead to counterproductive choices. Many well-meaning parents unintentionally worsen R/R dynamics by trying to control or coerce reconnection. Here are some mistakes to avoid:
- Interrogating the child about the rejection: Repeated questioning can make the child feel scrutinized and defensive, especially when they don't fully understand their own feelings.
- Bribing or guilt-tripping the child into visits: Telling a child, "I'll be heartbroken if you don't come," shifts emotional pressure onto them and can entrench resistance.
- Relying on logic alone: Trying to "reason" a child out of rejection rarely works, especially with younger kids. Emotionally driven behavior needs emotional repair, not debate.
- Making court the first solution: Courts can mandate visitation, but they can't repair a damaged relationship. Therapy, coaching, and structured parenting plans are often more effective first steps.
What to Do if Your Child Refuses Visitation
If a child refuses to visit the other parent, notify the parent promptly and professionally about the child's refusal to attend visitation. Keep it factual, not accusatory. Then, document the child's behavior. Write down the dates, times, what was said, and the actions taken. Keep your notes factual. Avoid trying to interpret the child's motives in writing.
Moving forward, here are some tips on handling visitation refusals:
- Offer problem-solving options. Propose family therapy, mediation, or a session with a parenting coordinator. This demonstrates to the court that you're focused on solutions.
- Avoid making the child the decision-maker. Even if the child is older, don't say things like "It's up to you." Courts expect parents to parent even when it's difficult.
- Consult with a family law attorney. A lawyer can help you navigate whether to seek enforcement, modification, or therapeutic interventions through the court.
If your child refuses to visit you, your reaction should be calm, strategic, and legally sound. Don't retaliate, cancel future visits, or cut off communication. Stay consistent and available.
Co-Parenting Strategies When Accused of Alienation
Being accused of alienating your child from the other parent can be traumatic. Especially when those accusations are false, but remember that emotional reactions or attempts to prove your innocence can backfire.
If you're the accused parent, focus on demonstrating stability and openness rather than defensiveness.
- Document, don't dramatize: Keep records of communication, exchanges, and behavior, but avoid sending long, emotional texts or emails defending yourself.
- Encourage contact (and mean it): Don't just say you support the child's relationship with the other parent. Show it. Offer makeup time, suggest counseling, and avoid triangulating the child into scheduling disputes.
- Get professional input early: If a therapist or evaluator is involved, don't try to "win" them over. Let your behavior and support of reunification speak for itself. Be sure to seek out professionals with experience in high-conflict custody cases, not general child therapists.
Resist and Refuse dynamics are multi-layered and can be fueled by the interplay of multiple family roles. Whether you're being accused of alienation, watching one child reject you while another remains close, or dealing with interference from extended relatives, the actions you take can impact custody outcomes.
If you're navigating these difficult dynamics and want to protect your relationship with your child while staying on solid legal ground, we can help. At Bikel Rosenthal and Schanfield, our custody attorneys are experienced in complex custody matters and R/R dynamics. Contact us today. Call 212.682.6222 or Connect Online.