Resist and refuse (R/R) dynamics, historically known as parental alienation, are one of the most destructive elements of child custody disputes. When a parent's influence or manipulation causes a child to resist or refuse contact with the other parent, the court sees a party who is unwilling to support the child's bond with both parents.
Judges, psychologists, and family law professionals are attuned to the long-term consequences of R/R behavior for both the child and the alienated parent. They don't treat the behavior lightly. If R/R dynamics clearly exist, it can weigh heavily on the custody outcome.
What Are Resist and Refuse Dynamics?
Not every situation where a child avoids a parent is "parental alienation." Sometimes, a child has a valid reason for not wanting to be around someone, like abuse, neglect, or a history of poor parenting. In many of these types of "estrangement" cases, the child's behavior existed before separation or divorce.
Resist and refuse behavior is often more abrupt. The child suddenly starts resisting or refusing contact with one of their parents around the time of separation or divorce. A once beloved and involved parent is suddenly the enemy to the child, with no apparent changes in behavior on the alienated parent's side.
R/R behavior is persistent, often disproportionate to the child's lived experiences, and frequently mirrors the narrative or emotional state of the aligned parent. The child may begin speaking in legal or psychological terms well beyond their age and development, parroting concepts they don't fully understand. This behavior is a red flag for courts.
The reasons for a child's shift in behavior vary, ranging from valid fears to emotionally manipulative influence by the other parent. Not all cases of R/R are due to malicious intent. Still, in most instances, one parent fosters an environment that encourages the child to distance themselves emotionally or physically from the other.
Judges are trained or advised through evaluators to differentiate between justified estrangement (due to real abuse or neglect) and alienation (based on distortion or fabrication).
Examples of Resist and Refuse Dynamics
R/R dynamics don't always look the same. They can be subtle, blatant, or somewhere in between.
For example, one parent may subtly undermine the other parent through emotional manipulation. Parent A constantly drops little comments like, "I hope your dad shows up this time," or "Your mom always forgets your games." These statements seem harmless on their own, but they add up. Eventually, the child starts saying things like, "Dad doesn't care about me," or "Mom's too busy." Here, parent A hasn't overtly blocked visitation but has poisoned the child's perception through repeated messaging.
Another example is a parent overtly interfering with custodial rights. Parent B refuses to comply with court-ordered visitation schedules, cancels planned exchanges at the last minute, or accuses Parent A of unsafe behavior. Meanwhile, the child is told, "I just want to protect you," or "It's not safe over there." Over time, the child adopts this fear and anxiety, eventually refusing to see Parent A entirely, even in the face of a prior warm and loving relationship.
Some cases may involve false allegations or strategic legal claims. For example, Parent A accuses Parent B of abuse, timed conveniently around scheduled evaluations or hearings. The child is caught in the middle and coached to express fear or discomfort in therapy or to court-appointed evaluators. Even when accusations are disproved, the child's relationship with the accused parent may be permanently damaged.
Why Do Courts Care About R/R Dynamics?
Family law courts are focused on one thing: the best interests of the child. R/R dynamics represent a significant threat to that principle. To the court, a child who loses a relationship with a fit parent without legitimate cause is being denied a fundamental emotional and developmental resource.
Studies show that children do best when they have strong, healthy relationships with both parents. Courts are aware that R/R behavior can have long-term psychological effects on children, including anxiety, depression, poor relationship modeling, and identity confusion.
To the court, signs that one parent is interfering with a child's development indicate poor judgment, lack of cooperation, and a willingness to put their own feelings above the child's needs. Family law courts consider a lack of co-parenting skills, an inability to support the child's relationship with the other parent, and a pattern of controlling or manipulative tendencies to be outside of the child's best interests.
How R/R Dynamics Affect Custody Outcomes
If R/R dynamics are present and substantiated, courts may alter custody arrangements significantly. Each jurisdiction has its own standards, but common judicial responses to alienation include:
- Modifying primary custody to the alienated parent to restore the parent-child relationship.
- Ordering reunification therapy to reestablish contact between the child and the alienated parent.
- Sanctioning the alienating parent through reduced parenting time, contempt findings, or supervised visitation.
- Mandating counseling for both parents and the child.
Importantly, judges do not take these steps lightly. They recognize the trauma involved in changing custody or compelling contact. In short, judicial intervention is justified when the court determines that the alienating parent is not acting in the child's best interest.
How Do You Prove R/R Dynamics in Custody Court?
Proving R/R dynamics requires more than verbal complaints or emotional appeals. Courts demand a factual record supported by evidence and expert opinion. When evaluating a family for R/R dynamics, the court may consider the following factors:
-
Interference Patterns
- Missed visitations.
- Blocked communication.
- Sudden changes in the child's behavior or language.
-
Third-Party Testimony
- Teachers, coaches, and family friends observe shifts in the child's demeanor or inappropriate comments.
- Neutral therapists (who are not aligned with either parent) identify coaching or undue influence.
-
Custody Evaluators or Guardian ad Litem
- Neutral parties assess family dynamics and provide reports in court.
- Assessments often carry significant weight with judges.
-
Audio, Video, or Text Records
- Communications that reveal one parent bad-mouthing the other, failing to cooperate, or making false allegations.
-
Behavioral Patterns of the Child
- Evidence that the child's rejection is not based on actual experiences but mimics the alienating parent's narrative.
- Sudden hostility toward a previously loved parent, especially when there's no incident to justify the shift.
In family court, the standard of evidence admissibility is often more flexible than in criminal court, but it must still meet basic evidentiary requirements. Quality outweighs quantity. A few well-documented incidents are more persuasive than dozens of vague accusations.
For more information, check out Cracking the Custody Code by Karen B Rosenthal and Dror Bikel.
Advice for Parents Accused of Parental Alienation
Even well-meaning parents sometimes say or do things that can come off as alienating. In a high-stress divorce, it's easy to fall into the trap of venting about your ex or trying to "protect" your child from them. Here's how to stay on the right track:
- Adopt a "child-first" mindset: If you're feeling angry or frustrated with the other parent, distract yourself by focusing on the child's immediate needs. Personal grievances are irrelevant to the child's development.
- Use neutral language: Never refer to your ex as a villain, even if you believe they acted poorly. Speak factually, not emotionally.
- Separate personal feelings from parenting: You don't have to like your ex, but you do have to co-parent with them. Make decisions based on logic, not resentment.
- Attend counseling: If your emotions are overwhelming your ability to co-parent, seek professional support. Therapy, support groups, or even a good custody lawyer can help you stay grounded.
- Follow court orders: If a court order isn't working for you, go through the legal system to address it. Otherwise, always comply.
- Remember your influence: How you talk about your ex teaches your child how to process conflict, relationships, and forgiveness.
You don't have to pretend everything is perfect, but you do have to act like a responsible guardian. Always put your child's emotional health above your personal feelings about your ex.
Need Help with a Custody Case Involving Alienation?
Whether you are being alienated from your child or are worried your own behavior may be interpreted as alienating, you need expert legal guidance to protect your rights and your child's future.
At Bikel Rosenthal and Schanfield, we specialize in complex custody litigation and can help you develop a strategic, evidence-based plan to secure your child's best interests. Contact us today to discuss your situation. Call 212.682.6222 or Connect Online.