Conflict between divorcing parents can cause long-lasting social and emotional difficulties in children. Contentious divorce increases the risk of behavioral and academic issues that persist into adolescence and adulthood, affecting everything from college performance and peer relationships to self-esteem and romantic partnerships.
But even in the most hostile divorces, parents can take steps to mitigate this risk. By managing behavior and co-parenting with care, parents can help their children adapt to their new lives and flourish.
Here are ten common hazards that arise in high-conflict divorce, along with tips on navigating these areas while safeguarding your child's emotional and social health.
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Household Instability
High-conflict divorce can mean erratic schedules, household changes, and disruption to children's routines. Remember, children thrive on structure and consistency. Unpredictability in the home can lead to anxiety, behavioral problems, and difficulty concentrating in school.
What To Do:
Provide a stable, predictable environment. Communicate routines clearly and enforce boundaries. When one household is calm and dependable, it can be a vital safe space for the child.
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Negative Talk About the Other Parent
Bad-mouthing the other parent, either directly or through passive comments, can distort a child's perception of family and sense of self. Talking negatively about a child's parent may cause identity confusion, guilt, and low self-worth, primarily if the child identifies with the criticized parent. Negative talk can also damage trust, impairing a child's ability to form secure relationships.
What To Do:
Avoid criticism or sarcasm about the other parent in front of your child. If you're frustrated with the other parent, distract yourself by focusing on what your child needs at that moment. Create a safe and loving environment that fosters a healthy relationship between the child and both parents.
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Intrusions During Non-Custodial Time
Constant texting or calling during the other parent's custodial time can undermine parental boundaries and expose children to tension. Kids may feel pressure to act as intermediaries or experience guilt for enjoying time with the other parent.
What To Do:
Respect custodial boundaries. When the other parent has your child, limit communication to essential matters. Manage logistical details with co-parenting apps like OurFamilyWizard (OFW) or Talking Parents. Trust that your child needs uninterrupted time with both parents to build secure attachments.
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Using Children for Emotional Support
Venting to the child or treating them like a confidant may seem like a great way to bond. However, such interactions disrupt the parent-child dynamic and impair emotional development. Children may feel overwhelmed or responsible for their parents' emotions. They may become anxious, internalize guilt, or struggle with boundaries in relationships.
What To Do:
If you need to process your emotions, consider seeking support from trusted adults, such as friends, a therapist, or a support group. Preserve your role as a guardian to your child's child.
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High Conflict Custody Exchanges
Tense interactions during pick-ups or drop-offs can cause anxiety, shame, and emotional dysregulation in children. For a child, witnessing hostility and blame can lead to long-lasting trauma, fear of transitions, and feelings of conflicting loyalties, eroding their sense of safety and stability.
What To Do:
Keep custody exchanges brief, neutral, and child-focused. Consider exchanging at school, through a third party, or in public spaces to minimize conflict. In short, never argue in front of the child.
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Undermining the Other Parent
If one parent says a child cannot eat sugar after 5 pm, the other parent should respect that rule in their own home. Contradicting or going against a parent's rules, routines, or values fosters confusion and insecurity in children. The child may feel unsafe or unsupported. Such behavior by a parent can lead to the child developing manipulative tendencies and difficulty adhering to moral or behavioral standards.
What To Do:
Differences in parenting style are significant. One parent may emphasize outdoor activities. The other academics. But aim for consistency on core rules (bedtime, schoolwork, screen time). Present a united front on key issues, even if you disagree privately.
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Placing Children in the Middle of Conflict
Asking children to deliver messages, report back on their parents’ activities, or take sides in disputes pulls them into adult issues they cannot resolve. Putting a child in the middle can lead to chronic stress, divided loyalties, and emotional withdrawal. Taking on adult responsibilities too soon can lead to chronic anxiety and depression.
What To Do:
While the urge to stalk your co-parent or send messages may be intense during high-conflict divorce, never involve the child. Either communicate directly with your co-parent or discuss your concerns with other adults who are involved in your child’s life. It is essential to shield your children from conflict and reassure them that both parents love them and are capable of handling grown-up matters.
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Oversharing or Public Shaming
It may be tempting to post negative comments about your ex, vent in a blog post, or share custody battles on social media. However, remember that what is online may remain accessible forever, even after you delete it. A digital trail of conflict that the child may one day discover can be humiliating and cause long-term emotional harm. Even indirect posts can foster anxiety and social embarrassment when their child's peers or relatives see them.
What To Do:
Keep your divorce offline. Use privacy settings and refrain from commenting publicly about your ex. Always prioritize the child's future dignity (and your own) over momentary validation.
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Legal Battles Over Minor Issues
Escalating minor disagreements into court battles drains resources, heightens tension, and extends the period of uncertainty for children. Extended conflict can lead to chronic stress, feelings of powerlessness, and emotional fatigue. Children may become hypervigilant or disengaged.
What To Do:
Pick your battles. Consider exploring mediation or collaborative divorce methods whenever possible. Focus on the long-term emotional health of your children rather than short-term wins.
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Delaying Emotional Support or Therapy for the Child
In high-conflict divorce, some parents delay or argue over therapy, minimize their child's distress, or fear what might be revealed in counseling. Untreated emotional wounds can deepen over time, bringing long-term mental health challenges like depression, anxiety, or trouble forming healthy relationships.
What To Do:
If your child shows signs of difficulties, don't delay getting professional help. Therapy can offer children a neutral, safe space to process their feelings and develop solid coping strategies.
Parents who make emotionally intelligent choices, take the high road under pressure, and remain attuned to their children's needs can foster resilience and emotional strength in their child's ability to develop empathy, regulate emotions, and form secure future attachments. This ability to build empathy, regulate emotions, and form secure future attachments can depend on having at least one stable, compassionate, and mature parent who sets a good example.
Even when conflict feels unrelenting, the daily choices you make as a parent can be the difference between emotional harm and healthy development. Put your child first and give them the healthy foundation they need to grow.
For more tips on succeeding in high-conflict custody battles, check out our latest book, Cracking the Custody Code.