Could a 30-Day Reset Revitalize Your Marital Relationship?
When people find themselves unhappily married, divorce seems like the obvious solution. You’re feeling trapped; divorce promises freedom. But divorce is only a solution if your marriage is the problem. Each year, people get divorced only to be disappointed with “life on the outside.” They discover they had made their marriage too big a factor in their perceived unhappiness, and by ending the marriage, they lost many positive aspects of their life, which they had not fully appreciated. As high-stakes divorce lawyers, we often represent clients going through the most chaotic battles, but that doesn’t mean we’re not fans of love and things working out when they can.
To give you an idea of what some studies say about the matter:
What percentage of people regret their divorce five years later?
Regret is a hard emotion to pin down, but researchers often cite 33 percent. Brent A. Barlow, PhD, a former professor of marriage, family and human development at Brigham Young University, has written, “My current estimates are that about one-third of the couples who divorce feel they made the right decision, another one-third are uncertain or have mixed feelings about their divorce, and approximately one-third of divorced couples eventually regret the decision within five years.”
What percentage say they would get divorced all over again?
A longitudinal study asked 650 divorced Australians: “If you had your time over, would you still have separated?” Of those who responded, 83 percent of women and 67 percent of men said yes, meaning about 17 percent of women and 33 percent of men did not say they would make the same decision again.
What percentage of unhappy spouses who remained married were happy five years later?
A 2002 study entitled Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings From a Study of Unhappy Marriages found that among initially unhappy spouses who stayed married, 64 percent were happily married five years later. This result might suggest that unhappiness can be just as fleeting as happiness, and maybe when unhappiness rolls around, we shouldn’t treat it as the permanent, immutable state of our affairs.
Most research confirms that, when parties decide to divorce, there is room for error. Considering the time, expense, and emotional turmoil involved in even the most amicable divorce, you need to be 100 percent certain that you need to dissolve your marriage. If all you’re feeling is a vague sense of unhappiness, a lack of spark, or a lack of fulfillment, the questions above should serve as a warning.
Before committing to divorce, spouses should take time to examine the issues that may be contributing to their unhappiness and consider whether meaningful change is still possible. The suggestions below are intended to support that discernment, so that if you do ultimately wind up in our office, you can move forward with greater clarity and confidence in your decision.
Quiet Quitting and Quiet Firing: A Workplace Analogy
By now you’ve likely heard of the phenomenon called ‘Quiet Quitting.” This happens when workers who are disillusioned or disheartened with their employment decide to do the bare minimum to keep their job. Their productivity falls, the quality of their work suffers, and they dampen workplace morale.
A Gallup report published in 2022 found quiet quitting was linked to noticeably large declines in employees' perceptions that:
- Someone at work cared about them
- Someone encouraged their development
- They had opportunities to learn and grow
- They understood how their work connected to organizational purpose
Lack of connection and/or purpose can make it exceedingly difficult to muster enthusiasm at the office. This disconnect is often compounded when workers face unclear expectations; their job description might be murky, or their actual practice might veer from the stated duties.
Quiet quitting can also function as a defense mechanism or a form of self-preservation. Workers burdened by excessive demands, often without recognition for going above and beyond, can start to suffer burnout. When the only reward for doing the impossible is higher quotas and greater expectations, workers reflexively slow down. Lastly, workers may slack off in protest of workplace unfairness. They might think that others have it easier, receive plum assignments, or get singled out for credit.
Gallup’s research identifies managers as a critical determinant of employee engagement. This brings us to the other side of the coin: a trend dubbed “quiet firing.” An article at Gallup.com describes quiet firing as a type of “gaslighting,” where “managers fail to adequately provide coaching, support, and career development to an employee, which results in pushing the employee out of an organization.” In other words, managers either deliberately or inadvertently “allow employees to have truly toxic or miserable experiences at work.” This can be “a way to squeeze them out,” but not every employee will leave. A worker might simply shut down and slog through the day without inspiration or motivation.
To complete this analogy, let us suggest that in a marriage, each spouse is, to some extent, both manager and employee. Each can quietly quit the relationship by doing the bare minimum to occupy space together peaceably, or quietly fire their partner by ignoring their positive contributions and creating a toxic environment. The irony is that as the spouses become more comfortable with each other, it becomes easier to slide into a pattern of neglect that ultimately makes the relationship unbearable.
Are You Suffering from “Relationship Inertia”?
Another social science concept is “relationship inertia.” A trio of relationship researchers, Scott Stanley, Galena Rhoades, and Howard Markman, developed this term while studying cohabiting couples. They observed that the longer the relationship lasted, the more likely the couple was to acquire the trappings of married life — shared housing, finances, possessions, pets, social connections, and eventually children — without making a deliberate decision at each stage about whether the acquisition or the relationship was genuinely right for them. They describe a situation where constraints accumulate around the relationship, making continuation more likely regardless of the relationship's quality. In short, the couples were “sliding” rather than “deciding.” We can easily extrapolate this concept to marriage, where couples get into a routine, “constraints” accumulate, and the relationship goes on “autopilot.”
The problem with inertia in relationships is that it’s unsustainable. Relationships are not static; they are either deepening or decaying. Sliding requires little to no effort, but it is necessarily a downward motion. To determine whether you’re sliding, examine your daily habits to see whether they bring you and your spouse closer together or simply maintain an ever-eroding status quo.
Habits that tend to wear away a relationship include:
- Living on parallel schedules — Your lives should intertwine, or at a minimum, intersect frequently.
- Only talking about logistics — Busy schedules are the sworn enemy of deeper conversations, which require time and a relaxed environment.
- Assuming your spouse knows how you feel — Assumptions deaden interactions needed for meaningful exchanges.
- Never revisiting your goals — Remember that “person you used to be”? Maybe it’s time to visit them. Marriage requires us to prioritize personal matters, and that can squeeze our aspirations to the margins. Taking regular, healthy “me time” can help foster an identity apart from your roles in the marriage and at the office. Suddenly you’re not putting the burden of your happiness or fulfillment on the marriage or career.
- Letting resentment build until it’s impossible to ignore — Just as “a stitch in time saves nine,” airing a complaint before it festers makes it easier to resolve. A simple “I wish you wouldn’t do that,” when your spouse does something irksome the first or second time, can nip a problem in the bud. When you wait until you’re ready to explode, you bring more negative emotion to the exchange than your spouse will think is reasonable.
In contrast to sliding, which is passive, deciding is active. While the slider procrastinates, the decider lives in the moment, using their voice to shape their existence. The decider isn’t domineering or demanding, just engaged. It’s been said that every interpersonal exchange is an opportunity to teach others how we want to be treated. It’s also a chance to learn from your partner. By developing new habits that keep you actively engaged, you can breathe new life into an inert relationship and make it active, dynamic, and kinetic. But this change requires awareness, focus, planning, and persistence with a bit of fun thrown in.
The 30-Day Restart: Intentional Changes to Shake Off Marital Inertia
Can you spare a month to see whether your marriage is salvageable? You don’t have to do anything radical, just concrete steps that are intentional, practical, and cooperative. Within a month, you should be able to see if progress is possible. You can design your 30-day restart as you see fit, but here are our suggestions:
Before implementing any changes, perform a detailed audit to see where your relationship stands. Here are a few questions you might ask yourself and your spouse:
- In what areas of the relationship have I been “sliding”?
- How have I stopped “giving my best” to the relationship?
- Have I failed to acknowledge my spouse's best efforts?
- Have I remained silent about matters that bother me? If so, why?
- Have we stopped trying to deepen our relationship?
- Have we stopped planning meaningful experiences to share?
- Has our conversation become perfunctory?
You can always add more questions. The answers should give you a range of suggestions about where to make intentional changes. You might agree to a few easy but potentially impactful steps, such as:
- Coordinate your calendars. If work, travel, and outside commitments are squeezing your relationship to the margins, carve out specific dates to be together.
- Schedule connection sessions like business meetings. It may not sound romantic, but try to think of building your relationship as workflow. Decide on tasks to accomplish and deliverables to produce. Sessions can take the form of dinner together without phones at least twice a week, and a scheduled date, even if it's just coffee or a walk. Agenda items might include asking one meaningful question or expressing appreciation for one thing your spouse did.
- Share your vision for the future. Most people have only a vague idea of the life they want to build when they start. This includes the moment they marry and beyond. Life evolves, and we see where it leads us. But it’s important to appreciate that shared goals form powerful bonds. Spouses should discuss what they want their life together to look like, and the steps they can take to make that happen.
- Review and revise. Businesses conduct quarterly reviews, athletes review game film, and companies create strategic plans. Spouses need to monitor their progress in the relationship, individually and together. Schedule a sit-down after your first month to discuss your progress, including:
- What's been working well?
- What's been difficult lately?
- Do you feel supported?
- What could I do differently next month?
- Is there anything you've been hesitant to bring up?
After your review session, you and your spouse can commit to another month of the restart, or change strategies. This might include couples counseling. Many couples benefit greatly by consulting a neutral third party with training and experience in domestic relations. A counselor can help you identify issues that undermine healthy relationships. You might find that what you think is basic incompatibility is actually stress interfering with how you communicate or behave toward one another.
Decide to End the Slide
Sliding through marriage is one thing; sliding into divorce is entirely another. Before making a decision that will reshape your life, it is worth taking the time to determine whether the marriage itself is beyond repair or whether the relationship has simply fallen into patterns that can still be changed.
As divorce attorneys, we help you understand your options and, if divorce is the right path, protect your interests throughout the process. The more clarity you have about your decision, the better prepared you will be for whatever comes next.