Some of them may have been in your life before tying the knot. Some of them may be people you've befriended since you and your spouse have been together. Either way, friends aren’t part of your divorce, but they can certainly influence it in several ways, for better or for worse.
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Divorce Can Be Contagious Among Friends
When people have friends who are going through a divorce, they’re more likely to follow suit. In fact, research from Brown University shows that couples with friends who are divorced are 75% more likely to get a divorce themselves. In fact, the effects of this social contagion are so strong that it doesn't even have to be an actual friend in divorce court. Even when friends of friends go through a divorce, a couple is 33% more likely to also end their own marriage.
Oftentimes, seeing someone else get divorced gives people permission to do the same. If a marriage is already shaky, someone else’s divorce can give couples the courage to end their relationship, too.
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After a Divorce, You’ll Get Fewer Invites From Friends
If you're going through a divorce, you can expect to lose some friends. At the very least, you won't be invited to as many social functions. This can be especially true if you and your ex were involved in many couple activities with your friend group. In some cases, it's because people will suddenly view you as a threat now that you're single—and they don't want to end up in the same place you are.
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Friends Will Feel Triggered
Unfortunately, friends may distance themselves from you when you get a divorce because it stirs up negative feelings in them. It may not even be because they've been through a divorce themselves. Those who carry old childhood wounds from their parents’ divorce can get triggered hearing about yours. Although you didn’t do anything wrong, being around you is too painful for certain friends because of what you represent.
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Some Friends Will Take Sides
There are no custody agreements dictating who will get the friends in the divorce. There is no shared custody, and there is no guarantee that people with split loyalties will choose you over your ex. A lot of this is perception: If a friend has heard certain negative things about you from your ex, whether they're true or not, they might take your ex’s side. Even gossip from third parties often plays a role in whether or not you lose friends in the divorce.
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Friends Will Become Amateur Attorneys
As you go through a divorce, you can expect to get a lot of unsolicited advice. Some of it will be about legal strategy because of what your friends have gone through in their own divorce or have observed in others around them. Although they’re well-meaning, take your friends’ legal advice with a grain of salt. There is no substitute for the help of a legal professional.
A lot of amateur therapists will come out of the woodwork as well. Remember that not all advice is good advice. Even people with the best of intentions can steer you wrong.
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Friends Will Make Things Worse
Your friends could make the situation with your ex worse. Some people will meddle in your divorce in various ways, such as gossiping about it with others or badmouthing you to your ex (or, worse, the press). In other cases, friends may actually think they're being supportive by trying to act as a referee. The result is the same. People get too involved in your divorce, which exacerbates any conflict you’re already going through.
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The Right Friends Are a Gift
The effects your friends have on you during your divorce are not all negative. You can get a little help from your friends during this time, but they may also be a lifeline for you when you need it most. Friends will give you an ear when you need to talk, and a distraction when you need to just go out and have fun. Having this support can be instrumental in helping you get through this difficult time and heal.
How to Handle Prying Pals
Whether it's intentional or not, some of your friends will become too involved in your divorce and make you feel uncomfortable. Their interference may also have a negative effect on your case. If prying pals and other friendship issues become a problem, you can:
- Decide not to take things too personally. If your friends aren’t treating you well right now, it might not necessarily be personal. Choose to focus on your self-care and healing rather than what other people are doing. Don't take anything too personally and don’t internalize their behavior.
- Communicate openly and honestly. You’ll need to have some tough conversations with your friends to maintain a relationship with them in the future. Be open and honest about how their behavior is affecting you. They don’t necessarily realize that they're hurting you and causing you stress. Getting that weight off your shoulders is the best thing you can do for you and your friendships.
- Set boundaries when you need to. Setting strong boundaries with your friends is necessary. Let them know that there are certain topics you will no longer discuss with them and certain actions you won’t live with. This can go a long way toward protecting your mental health.
Likewise, set boundaries for yourself. Don't pressure your friends to choose sides in your divorce. Don't fish for information about your ex. Don't expect them to play mediator or matchmaker. Just as their behavior can make you feel uncomfortable, your behavior also has an effect.
- Re-evaluate your friendships. Divorce can bring out the worst in people, and your friends are no different. If they show their true colors during this trying time, take a step back and re-evaluate whether or not they belong in your life. Some people won’t have a place in the next chapter, and that's okay.
- Grieve the loss of your friendships. If you decide you need to distance yourself from certain friends, it’s natural to feel bad about it. Grieve the loss of those people from your life and remember that sometimes ending a friendship—and the turmoil that comes with it—is the best form of self-love.
- Create a new social circle. Divorce can be a time of new beginnings, and if your social circle isn't working for you anymore, developing new friendships can be part of that process. Go out and meet new people, or even reconnect with old friends or acquaintances you haven't spoken to in a long time. These new connections can bring you the fresh perspective you need right now.
However, if you're not ready to make new friends, don't pressure yourself. Move at your own pace and only do what feels right.
You're going through a tough time right now, and the last thing you need is for outsiders to make your situation with your ex-partner worse. You deserve to surround yourself with people who will have your back.