Holidays after a divorce can be particularly hard, even if the exes are amicable. Remarriage makes holidays as a blended family even trickier.
However, this doesn’t mean the holidays can’t be enjoyable. You can still appreciate the season with your children as you incorporate new partners and stepkids into the festivities. With some solid co-parenting strategies, new holiday traditions can be formed, and conflicts that arise can be minimized.
Recognize the Challenges of Blended Family Holidays
It's best to recognize what you may be facing so you can handle problems effectively when they arise.
- Conflicting schedules: Everyone wants their children around on major holidays, but when juggling two sets of parents' schedules, this may not be realistic. Flexibility is needed to accommodate both families. This may mean one parent has the children in the morning and the other sees them in the evening. Sometimes, particularly when travel is involved, ex-partners must negotiate which holidays they will get to spend with the kids. Perhaps you see them on Thanksgiving, while your ex has them for New Year's. Regardless of the agreement you reach, let everyone know in advance what's happening so you're all prepared. Typically, your attorneys will resolve this before the divorce is finalized. Still, real life isn’t always tidy, and exceptions do occur.
- Kids’ feelings: Children in blended families are likely to experience a range of complex emotions, from grieving the life they had when their parents were together to being wary of the new parent and siblings who have entered their lives. They may even feel anger and guilt about the divorce. These types of emotions are normal and valid, so acknowledge how your children feel and remain understanding and patient with them, especially during the holidays.
- New partner dynamics: Partners must be integrated into the family routine while also maintaining their personal traditions and expectations. Determining the level of involvement a new partner will have with their stepchildren is a delicate balance. Set and respect boundaries, but strive to include everyone in holiday celebrations. Finding how everyone fits in takes time, but doing so can lead to harmonious holidays.
Communication Is Key
Ideally, you have worked through the complications of holiday scheduling through your custody agreement before finalizing your divorce. However, be prepared to have further co-parenting conversations with your ex. Work with your attorney to be as thorough as you can in your custody plan to prevent further conflict around the holidays.
Establishing New Traditions
Traditions help to bring families together. As you combine families, establish new ones to nurture bonds that will last much longer than the holiday season. However, for a smooth transition:
- Form new traditions, but don’t leave the old ones behind. Although you should encourage your children to try something new, keep in mind that the rituals you shared with your ex may still bring them comfort. A mix of old traditions that honor the past will help them accept the new ones you’re establishing as a blended family.
- Introduce the new family to traditions gradually to make the adjustment easier. Stepparents and stepsiblings can be incorporated into children’s lives, but this process should happen gradually and organically. Forcing the families together quickly may cause friction that damages relationships in the long term. Gradual integration that respects boundaries sets the tone for greater harmony.
- Communicate openly with children about new traditions so they feel valued and included. After a divorce, children may feel like their voices aren’t being heard. Make your kids and stepkids feel valued by encouraging them to share their ideas for family activities. Give everyone a say to avoid the appearance of favoritism.
- Participate in fun holiday activities that create warm new memories. Kids may not remember if they actually spent Christmas Day with you, but they will remember how family activities made them feel. You can strengthen new family bonds by starting fun traditions, such as baking cookies, viewing holiday lights, and singing carols together. The more fun you have, the easier it is to ease the tension of combining families.
Manage Expectations and Flexibility
You want to make the holidays memorable. You also want the integration of the two families to be successful. But remember to manage your expectations. No matter how much you plan ahead, some things may not go as planned. Some ways you can manage your expectations and be ready for any curveballs include:
- Accepting imperfection. As a busy parent, you already know how to expect the unexpected. This skill will be especially useful at this time. No matter how much you plan, everything won't always be perfect. Don’t put pressure on yourself by expecting it to be that way.
- Creating backup plans. You can’t expect perfection in all your holiday plans, but you can mitigate the potential impacts of the unexpected. Make backup plans so you can pivot when necessary. That way, if scheduling conflicts or other unexpected changes arise, you'll be prepared.
- Expecting different emotional expressions. Holidays are already an emotional time for many people, and children adjusting to a blended family may express their feelings in different ways. Be prepared for tears, bursts of anger, or the silent treatment at times. However they express themselves, meet their emotions with love, patience, and empathy.
Legal Considerations
Legal considerations don’t take a break for the holidays, so ensure that you’re covered in this area. Before making any plans, you and your ex should review the holiday provisions in your custody agreement to ensure they align with your current situation. This will prevent clashes that can put a damper on everyone’s celebration. Also, if you want to travel with your kids so they can meet their new family members, get the proper consent before arranging the trip.
Even if you take these precautions, conflicts may happen—especially if you have a rocky relationship with your ex. If problems escalate, they may be too heated to handle on your own. A lawyer can help you mediate disputes, so you don’t have to go through litigation that makes the holidays a lot less merry.