Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon.
Beyond sharing Hollywood fame, these couples share another distinction: They married and divorced each other twice.
While rare, this phenomenon is not just the thing of Hollywood productions. Statistics show that 6% of divorced couples reunite. And they actually have a high success rate: 72% remain married the second time around. In contrast, 67% of all second marriages end in divorce.
Remarrying an ex-spouse can be a complex journey to happiness, so people should remain realistic. While it sounds like a romantic movie, reality is rarely as perfect.
Why Ex-Spouses Remarry
When hearing stories of people remarrying someone they had already divorced, you might be wondering why anyone would ever do such a thing. After all, if their marriage didn't last the first time, why would anyone assume it would survive a second?
There are several reasons that ex-spouses take a second trip down the aisle.
- They really love and miss their ex: Sometimes the reunion is just as simple as true love. After going through a divorce and spending time apart, some couples start to miss each other and realize that they really do love each other after all.
- They miss the family: Marriage brings more than a spouse—it brings a community. Divorce doesn’t end all those bonds. Good relationships with in-laws may encourage reconciliation.
- They have regrets: Maybe they thought the grass would be greener on the single side and decided to end their marriage to see what else was out there. Maybe they thought their relationship was unsalvageable. Whatever the reason for ending the marriage, sometimes people realize they were hasty in their decision and have regrets.
- Their old wounds healed with time: The old adage that time heals all wounds proved true for some couples, who found time away from each other was just what the doctor ordered. Resentments dissipate. Anger fades. Apologies are accepted. And this lays the groundwork for a reunion when ex-partners look at their relationship more objectively.
- They experience personal growth. Sometimes a separation can give people the opportunity to learn, grow, and become better versions of themselves. They deal with their past traumas, shed bad habits, and develop better coping skills. This evolution helps exes see each other in a new light that leads the way to the altar.
The Challenge of Remarrying an Ex
Does it always feel good to reunite? Not always. The second try might not be as sweet, due to factors like:
- Wearing rose-colored glasses. Some people simply have unrealistic expectations of their new relationship with their old spouse. They only remember the good things about the marriage and completely overlook the problems that led to the divorce. If they're romanticizing the past, they're likely to romanticize the future—and this can cause serious problems.
- Unresolved issues. If someone doesn't deal with the past baggage that dissolved their marriage, they're likely to carry it with them into the renewed relationship. This means they'll fall into the same bad habits, relive the same arguments, and have the same grievances. If these problems are never addressed, another divorce may be on the horizon.
- Too many cooks in the kitchen. Spouses who remarry after divorce can have well-meaning friends in their ear, giving them poor, unsolicited advice that causes problems. If the divorce was contentious, people remember how the couple treated each other at their worst and don't want to see it happen again. Outsiders can easily stir up bad feelings and drama that lead to the relationship failing a second time.
- Rushing into reconciliation. Being too hasty to get to the altar again can make remarried exes discover they don’t know each other as well as they think they do. Everyone changes after being apart, so if ex-partners don't take the time to date each other and learn how they've evolved, they might expect the new relationship to be exactly the same as the old one, leading to disappointment and friction.
- Impact on children. Divorce can be traumatizing for children, so couples are often tempted to remarry to alleviate the pain their kids are feeling. This can cause them to disregard the problems they had to restore the family. This kind of pressure can strain the marriage, and then everyone has to relive the same pain all over again if the reunion doesn't work out.
Divorcing for the Second Time
If a couple remarries and it doesn't work out a second time, the implications of dissolving the relationship probably won't get any easier. There can be several complexities that come up when this happens.
- Starting over: Even though a couple has already gone through a divorce, if their second marriage ends up back in court, it will be treated as a brand-new divorce. Although some outcomes end up being similar to the first divorce, a judge—who will most likely be different from the first case—will look at the situation with fresh eyes.
- Lingering issues: Ideally, any lingering issues from the first divorce would have been settled before exes decided to remarry. However, that may not necessarily be the case. Having any part of the divorce open when they remarry can cause legal problems—and even more so if they go through a second divorce.
- Alimony: One issue that will be revisited is alimony. Just because someone received spousal support during the first divorce doesn't necessarily mean they're entitled to get it again. Financial circumstances may have changed during the second marriage, which can affect how support is awarded after the divorce.
- Child support: Just as with alimony, a judge may modify a child support order during a second divorce. If the couple's finances differ, the court will make adjustments accordingly. Also, new circumstances can lead to child custody arrangements being different from what they were the first time.
- Property: How a court will divide property in a second divorce depends on the assets the couple acquired during their second marriage.
Remarrying an ex-spouse may sound like a fairytale come true, but if the relationship isn’t handled with care, the couple won’t necessarily get the happily ever after they think they're signing up for. Although the data indicates a high probability of success, it's not set in stone. Taking precautions and learning from their mistakes is the best way to set partners up for a better outcome than they had the first time.